Happy Feet

Here they are....








all of my girls in the socks that I have made for each of them. We had a blast this past weekend trying to forget the realities of our life and smiling for the first time in months. I hadn't realized that it has been months, close to a year really, since we have genuinely smiled. We were really smiling. Really happy. It was hard to leave.

Anna was a great big sister. She's pretty excited to not be the youngest.










Better days have to keep coming.

I can't even come up with a title for this one

I tried. Really I did. Things were looking up and I had told myself that March would be better. Everyday I was feeling positive. We heard some great news about a little girl that we know and of course John got his first "all clear" from cancer. Bills were getting paid. There was extra money to go shopping for the first time since last summer and I was really looking forward to our trip this weekend to the water park. Even the mouse terrorizing our empty house wasn't enough to really bring me down.

Then I checked the mail today..... after paying WAY too much on myself - for my hair. What a foolish, foolish girl I was. I should know by now that whenever it seems like we have extra money... it really isn't there. Something bad will happen. EVERY. TIME.

There it was. A loan default notice for our house. I was enraged. I make payments every month. Always. I called the 1-800 number to yell at anyone who would be there. They were closed. So, taking the time to gather all of my ammunition.... I went online to find the cleared checks for our mortgage payments. March payment - cleared. February payment.... February payment.... February payment... there it was. In January? No, that would be the January payment. Panic ensued. Where was the February payment? After checking the account three more times, I realized that money was so tight in February when John was on disability that I hadn't sent it in. I don't EVER remember that happening. I ALWAYS pay the mortgage... and John always checks to make sure that the payments clear. I SWEAR I paid in February. Somehow there is no record of any check being written or anything clearing our bank for that month.

I put us in default.

You know what? Take the house. I don't want it anymore.... it won't sell... no one wants to invest to finish the damn thing and it has caused us more sleepless nights and tension filled shoulders than I ever thought could be possible. The bank can have it. There is no hope.

Since August my mantra has been, "I can never do anything for me without somehow paying for it." Now I'm afraid to even go this weekend. I know that we can't even afford the "free" trip that has been given to us. We don't have enough money for the bills...... again. How will we find the money for this great "free" trip? We will need extra money for the dog vaccination, the dog kennel, gas, food, and who knows what else. My daughter just said that they don't have to play lazer tag in order to save money. Some relaxing break from our problems this has turned out to be.

I can't do this anymore. I give up. Done.

It's Been Awhile... But There Has Been Knitting

Besides the chemo caps that I have made for John....





I have also been working on some toddler socks, 2 needle mittens to teach the girls at summer camp this year (Anna got the "test" mittens), some mittens for my oldest daughter, and now I have yarn to make John some summer caps to replace the old faded ones from years ago.

In the wings are two gifts that I can't mention here, but I can say that I was worried about the pattern. I could only find part of the pattern, but thanks to Ravelry..... I found friends who had the book and they gave me the basic information that I will need to make the gifts. How many stitches to cast on and final measurements were all that I needed.

On Feb. 18th we got the news that John's final cancer markers were within normal limits, and they weren't recommending surgery for him right now. He won't need any more CT or PET scans until April 2009. Normally this would be great news and just today John said that most people, after facing cancer, feel happy and optimistic about life. Each day is a true gift for them and their biggest worries are behind them. For John (and me) this isn't the case. The cancer lifestyle was stressful and scary, and afterwards we should have felt even better than we did. To be honest, now the reality of our house is hitting us square between the eyes. Another massive price reduction, no people attending open houses, and a mouse eating at some of the things that were left behind. There is no moving forward for us. We fight and struggle to hold on to any thing positive.

Here she is.... our positive thing in life.....


We get to spend the weekend with her, her little sister, and our friends at Wilderness Resort, thanks to the generosity of Angel On My Shoulder. We have never been given anything like this before in my life... a three day weekend. We are very excited. We will NOT think about anything else.